This is what the devil plays before he sleeps.

jonasnightingay:

somebody please let this man retire 

me: i need to sleep
me: *masturbates*

dion-thesocialist:

rakshar:

dion-thesocialist:

I apologize to everyone whose grammar I ever corrected before I learned not to be a tool.

your forgiven.

You’re… really sweet to do that. Thanks.

17000dollarballpit:

Dentist: do you smoke?
Me: why you Tryna light up?

after i fainted
nurse: how many fingers?
me: 3 with some lube
baby: f-f-f-f
dad: father??
baby: ***Flawless (remix)

rock-lee:

I CANT BREATHE

thecutestofthecute:

English Cream Dachshund 

andrewjacksonjihads:

i want someone who will sit on a rooftop with me at 3 am and shave their head while i shave my head and then hotglue the hair to the roof so the roof will have hair

southernshellsandweddingbells:

THIS IS LITERALLY A DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE

southernshellsandweddingbells:

THIS IS LITERALLY A DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE